Rick's girlfriend
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick is more depressed than usual and Morty and Summer convince him to get out and socialize.


Rick is riding home on a hover scooter and runs into a tree. "Fuck..."

Rick is seen taking out the trash and slips and a bunch of little gremlin things burst out of the bag and scatter. "Fuck..."

Rick is pouring milk into cereal and just stares blankly as it overflows. "Fuck..."

"Geez Rick you you uhhh have been drunk...I mean more drunk than usual is something wrong?"

"Morty there are infinite problems in the universe. If I even named off a few your brain would completely shutdown from the inability to produce enough dopamine to bounce back from the realization. To put into words the crippling void that is reality isn't something I can just talk about."

Summer is texting hunched over on the couch.

"Grandpa is a lonely oldman and needs to get out and find some pussy."

"The fuck do you know SUMMER?! You you (belch) are just some angsty teenager hopped up on hormones driving you to get pregnant and reproduce so that your menial species can carry on for a couple thousand more years until you die out from disease or... ok yeah kids. Grandpa is a lonely and bored man."

"Well gee Rick why why don't you meet chicks."

Rick just stares blankly ahead of Morty and pulls out a cellphone and brings up an okcupid app with some profiles.

Profile 1 describes herself as "just a hopeless romantic looking for the right guy. And by right guy I mean someone over six foot tall, makes double the income I make so I don't have to work, and has to be such a doormat he needs to message me first and beg for my approval despite clearly being smarter and more successful."

Profile two is some girl getting gang banged by several black dudes. "Old fashioned country girl looking for a conservative male who is leader of the household but knows I'm his queen."

Profile three is literally just pubic hair.

"I guess the pube one (belch) has some potential but..."

"I mean go out and meet real people Rick. Like I du'nno...why don't we go to a board game night?"

"Morty board game nights are for sweaty male nerds who aren't deranged enough to spend all of their money on anime and magic cards. Thats not gonna..."

Rick gets blocked by pubes.

"Alright kids we're going to board game night."

Rick is at board game night bored out of his mind as one fat sweaty man puts down a card against humanity card "who wears womens underwear?" and he picks as the winning answer "Hitler" and they all giggle like school girls and lift up their shirts and start licking their hairy man titties.

Morty looks over at Rick.

"Is...isn't this fun Rick? I mean theres no girls but we're socializing...making cool new friends."

"I'm going to throw you in a motherfucking volcano Morty I swear to God."

All of a sudden some weird chubby Asian girl stumbles by with her breifcase.

"Oh um...sorry guys. I just wanted to look at the new DungeonsDragons manuals."

Slow motion love scene as Rick is all into her whilst the fat dudes make cringe worthy memes about Pepe and do the dab.

"Morty! That one!"

"Oh gee Rick that girl...that girl looks like maybe shes 17 tops. Cant you like...think of someone a little closer in your age range?"

Rick punches Morty in the jaw and he falls over and goes over to talk to the asian girl. Morty mutters on the floor:

"You know...thats just outright child abuse."

"So (belch...) hey there. You like DD? I mean I do too...its just well..."

He looks over at the fat guys arguing over who would win in a fight of Steven Universe vs Sonic the hedgehog.

"Look at what we have to work with..."

She smiles and gets nervous and drops her breifcase. It opens and it turns out its some high tech shit. Glowing particles in tubes.

"Is that what I think it is? Frozen particles to trace the back origins to the creation of matter?"

"How did you..."

"Ive dabbled in human transmutation myself..."

The fat guys than start playing loli power hentai princess deck builder.

"I came to the conclusion it was a fruitless endeavor..."

"Wow...I Ive never met someone even close to being as smart as me. Let alone smarter. My name is (Filthy Frank voiceover) CHING CHONG PING LEE!"

"Such a beautiful language..."

"This sounds sudden but could I...text you sometime?"

"Hells yeah you can nigger. Heres my number."

He pulls out a marker and writes it on her hand.

"You coulda just told me it and I could've put it in my phone."

"But than I wouldn't have gotten to touch your hand."

She blushes and Summer says

"Wow...grandpa actually has some pretty strong game."

Morty gets up.

"Rick's just a creep. That girl is way too young for him."

"I think you're just jealous..."

Rick starts laughing as her voice over is another Filthy Frank WELCOME TO THE RICE FIELDS MOTHERFUCKER

'Yeah Summer...jealous is the word I'd go for..."

A couple days later Rick tells the family to be on their best behaivor as shes coming over for dinner. Morty points at Rick.

"Are you wearing a bow tie?"

"What? Bow ties are cool..."

Summer says "Was that a Doctor Who reference?" but before she could finish Rick smacks her and Beth yells "DAD!" than Rick smacks Beth.

"I swear to all non existent patheons if you all screw this up for me there will be hell to pay! Also look..."

He presses the button and the bow tie spins and lights up.

"Imma do that when she shows up to signify how she is very sexually appealing to me. IT'S NUANCE YOU APES!"

They're eating Beth's meatloaf and the asian girl just kind of eats around it eating the peas and rice. Beth notices.

"Is the meatloaf not cooked enough?"

Morty says

"Maybe it shoulda been veil...you know YOUNG...FRESH..."

Rick just squints his eyes at Morty and presses the bow button and it whistles and spins.

"Its its not that...its my fault. I never told Rick I was vegan."

Everyone pauses for a minute and Rick stutters a bit.

"That thats ok! Look I got this ray gun that..."

Rick fumbles as he tries pulling out the ray gun, it drops, and turns Jerry's head into a carrot.

"What? Why is everyone staring at me? Look...I tried to pop the zit and I just couldn't OK?!"

The Asian girl laughs a bit.

"Its fine... I see you put in a lot of work to make me feel at home. You're a sweet guy Rick. You put on a cold exterior not just for yourself but your family. You need to be cold...because we live in a very unforgiving world that punishes people for everything. You can't take one step without someone threatening to ban you, fire you, look down on you... some people let it change them. Turn them into less than a human being. They become complacent and just pretend to have genuine feelings and thus the only relationship they can form is some one night stand with pubic hair on okcupid. But not you...you're different. I became vegan because I was sick of humanity's hypocrisy about getting pissed off about someone abusing a puppy but shrugging at slitting a cows throat and letting it bleed out while consciouss. Not so I could make someone who is just trying so hard for me to make me to feel bad."

She gives Rick a very sensual open mouth kiss and the bow spins and whistles by itself and Morty vomits. Beth yells "THATS A PERSIAN RUG!"

The night goes great and they laugh, joke, play that power hentai deckbuilder game. As Rick waves to her she waves back not looking where shes going and the whole family gasps as she gets hit by a car.

Beth gasps "Oh Jesus..."

Rick runs and holds her. He just puts his forehead against hers and looks at Morty.

"Are you happy Morty?"

"What?! No! Geez Rick I just...I just thought it was a bit risque someone your age was dating someone almost my age...I didnt want her to die and comeon Rick. You know I would never want to take something like that away from you."

Rick looks down at her and just lets go and her corpse plops to the ground.

"I know you wouldn't... you're not cold enough. But remember if there were a God...he is."

Rick just walks away and goes into the garage.

Summer whispers

"Do...you think grandpa Rick is gonna try to bring her back Frankenstein's monster style?"

Morty looks up at Summer.

"Summer if theres anything I've learned in all the times I've adventured with Rick is nothing ever goes back...things change constantly in some ways we like and some ways we don't. Ching chong ping lee or whatever the hell her name was exists indivisibly. Rick could travel multiple universes, multiple timelines, and it never quite be the girl that lays there dead on the floor. People exist because of a variety of factors. Experiences, upbringing, biology, chance...to perfectly replicate that is impossible. Even for Rick."

As weeks go by, they call her family and they go to her funeral. The family weeps but Rick never leaves the garage. He opens up her breifcase of the frozen particles and tries replicating her to Hoobastank's "The Reason". His first attempt looks vaguely likes her and just starts twerking and pressing her boobs up against Rick's face so he disintegrates her with a ray gun. The second one is closer in resemblance but cringes and pushes him away when he tries to kiss her. The third one is just a pile of pubes and blows away in the wind so he sighs and closes the breifcase.

Jerry is sitting on the bed and looks into the guest bathroom with his carrot head.

"You know Rick never did change my head back..."

Beth comes out in sexy lingere.

"I like you better this way..."

The bow tie whistle is heard.


End file.
